I noticed that it’s been a while since I just wrote a post that had no real topic or pre-planned subject matter (or wrote a post at all…). So I figured, now is the time to just sit and spit all that is going on in my life right now (spiritually – I’m not going to tell you about my clogged-pores problem…).
As I’ve mentioned before, my wife and I are in the middle of buying a house. You would think that a couple who had purchased 2 homes prior to this one would be prepared for anything, but it just seems like this whole thing is so hard this time around. Granted, our first house was brand-spanking new, so we didn’t have to fight sellers or inspectors or anything like that. And our second house was a foreclosure, so we didn’t have to fight sellers, inspectors, or anyone other than the Federal government (and they were actually quite easy to work with). But this one is being purchased from actual people. So we’re dealing with things that need to be fixed, and sellers who don’t want to fix them, and contractors who want to charge a lot to fix them, and all sorts of other issues. I’m not sure what I’ll do if the appraisal comes back and says certain things must be fixed, or else they won’t provide the loan. Oh wait, yes I do – I’ll cry.
As with any home purchase, a lot of money gets passed around. And passing money around is always stressful, especially when you don’t have much of it. Things are going okay – I think God has provided everything we need right when we needed it (we didn’t exactly have a huge savings built up…). But we are still praying every day that God would provide what we need to buy this house. We think the fact that He’s provided everything up to now is a good sign that He’s cool with us buying the house. And yet, we still have doubts. I can’t speak for my wife, but the thoughts I keep having are that I need to do something for God so that He’ll provide for us. I need to act right, pray more, give money to charity, prove my loyalty, make promises like I’ll give Him the credit, and a million other things that will persuade God to help us out. Why do I do this? I know better! I know that God didn’t require anything of me to provide for my salvation – why would I think He would need anything from me to provide a small, insignificant blessing like this?
And yet I keep thinking the same way. Have you ever done this? Knowing something is wrong in your head, yet keep on believing it in your heart? I would bet so. Humans are weird creatures…
Anyway, I think everything will work out. Regardless of how anxious I am about everything, and regardless of the incessant vomiting and terrible ulcer I’ve developed (joking…), I know somewhere deep down that things will be fine. My old pastor (old meaning former, not aged) used to say “God is more concerned with your holiness than your happiness.” God knows that I will be happy when this house transaction is finished, and we’ve moved in. He’s concerned about that, I’m sure. But maybe He’s more concerned that I learn something through all this. Maybe He wants me to learn that He’s in control regardless of what happens, that He provides what we need and we have no need to focus on anything but His kingdom and His righteousness. Maybe He wants us to learn to manage money well (who knows, Dave Ramsey may knock on our door tomorrow, offering free advice). Maybe He wants to me to learn that His blessings are not contingent on anything I can do for Him. I’m pretty certain that last one is true, because I can’t stop thinking about it.
Does God ever do that to you? Teach you something by not allowing you to stop thinking about it?