At work this afternoon, someone pointed out this news story that was just too good to pass up for a blog post (click the link above to read the story). A guy went to a Dollar Tree store in Dallas and purchased a plastic American flag. When he got home, he started looking closely at his new flag, and he noticed that the stars looked a little off. So he counted them, only to find that there were 61 stars on it! Not the 50 stars that you’ll find on any normal U.S. flag. Turns out the Chinese-made flag wasn’t actually a flag – according to the Dollar Tree store manager it was a “patriotic banner.”
The store has now said that it will destroy the flags with 61 stars, but I’m not sure that is the best idea. It just seems so wasteful to destroy that many pieces of plastic, especially when we already are losing tons of oil in the Gulf of Mexico right now! (It takes petroleum to make plastic, in case you didn’t know…) Perhaps instead of destroying the flags with 61 stars, it would be better just to incorporate 11 more states. That way, we would prevent any wasteful destruction of flags, and we could benefit in many other ways, too.
Here is my list of the 11 areas/countries/provinces/territories/pieces of land I would vote we add to the United States, along with my reasoning for each:
- Puerto Rico – It’s already an American territory, and tons of people think it should be a state. Might as well let them in since we have extra stars on the flag now.
- U.S. Virgin Islands – Also an American territory, plus it has the word “virgin” in there, which would make for some great jokes.
- American Samoa – This American territory is not only really pretty, but it has produced over 200 college football players for NCAA Division I schools. Being a huge college football fan, I think it would only be right to give them statehood, then allow them to create their own Division I school (Samoa State University, perhaps…). Of course, we can drop the American part from the front of it after it becomes a state – no one goes around calling South Dakota “American South Dakota” anymore. That would be silly.
- Guam – In a really awesome Animaniacs sing-along video (see here), the wacky trio sing about the mishaps on Magellan’s voyage to find the East Indies. After mistaking Argentina and Chile for the East Indies, he then mistakes Guam for the East Indies, but Yakko, Wacko, and Dot let him know that it’s really Guam. In the video, Guam is spelled out in palm trees. It’s awesome. Make Guam a state!
- Greenland – Did you know that the North Pole is actually in Greenland? Well, actually, the earth’s northernmost point lies over water in the Arctic ocean, but the northernmost landmass is part of Greenland. Therefore, in order to Santa Claus to live at the North Pole, he must actually live in Greenland. I think it would be great to make Greenland a state – then Santa Claus would be an American citizen, and people all over the world would love America again.
- Mexico – I’m sure you’ve heard about all the debate going on over illegal immigration from Mexico. I say let us just get rid of this problem altogether – make Mexico a state and all of it’s citizens American citizens. Then either one of two things will happen – all the people trying to get into America from Mexico will stop trying (they’ll already be there!), or they’ll all move north legally (since it is really hot down there a lot of the time), and we’ll be really over-populated up here. But the immigration debate would end. And that’s what’s important – that we end this conflict among ourselves.
- Canada – There’s really no good reason to make Canada a state except that we don’t want them to get their feelings hurt when Mexico becomes a state. That, and it would be so much easier to drive to Alaska without having to get permission to enter Canada first.
- Cuba – I don’t know if we really want Cuba as a state, but it would help with immigration issues for the current state of Florida, right? So if we’re helping Mexico out, we need to help Cubans out as well. Plus, the next time we have a missile crisis, we won’t have to worry about it coming from Cuba.
- Australia – Everyone I know loves Australia. Except people from England and New Zealand. But they’re the exception – everyone else loves Australia. “Put another shrimp on the barbie!” “Crikey!” “Maybe the dingo ate your baby!” Australians are funny, and they produce great, action-packed reptile-related shows for the Discovery channel. And they have Kangaroos and Koalas. No one else has those. And they have the Wiggles. No one else has those either.
- New Zealand – If I had to choose between Australia and New Zealand, I’d probably go with New Zealand. New Zealanders have the cool accents just like Australians, but they have prettier scenery. Remember Lord of the Rings? Filmed in New Zealand. Ever heard of Flight of the Conchords? Funniest 2-man folk parody group out there…by far! They’re from New Zealand. And on their TV show (titled “Flight of the Conchords”), they go to the New Zealand Consulate in New York City a lot, and there’s a poster on the wall that says: “New Zealand. Don’t expect too much and you’ll love it.” They already have great mottos! We won’t have to do much to integrate them into our system!
- Texas – I realize that Texas is already a state, but have you ever tried driving across it? It takes forever. I’ve lived here all my life, and I’ve spent around 38.6% of my time driving just to get from here to there in this huge land mass of a state. I vote we break it up into 2 states – Texas #1 and Texas #2. Austin can stay the capital of Texas #1, and the capital of Texas #2 can be either San Angelo, Midland, Lubbock, or Amarillo. Not El Paso – it’s still way too far out there.
What about you? What areas/countries/provinces/territories/pieces of land would you vote become a state in this great United States?